Sunday, February 10, 2008

The New Loo

Yes, it's been far too long since I've spent time here...nothing like a few pervs to scare you away from your blog. Well, fuck ya, pervs, I'm back at my post. Posting.

So, I moved upstairs a few months ago - exact same apt, one floor up AND with a very cool balcone. Shadow and I like to watch the grey squirrel rip the shit out of the cardboard boxes of Cinquante, left on said balcone, for his nest. I like to think that Labatt is keeping him and his family of the next generation of grey squirrels warm -- and, it was very interesting, I thought, that this squirrel started this activity just before the huge snowstorm hit four days ago. I guess the last few storms destroyed his other layers of insulation.

Yes, I have a new loo.

You see, you had to be careful when standing up from doing your thang on the old loo, because it was missing the front two screws and would actually lift off the floor. Imagine: the whole toilet acting like it was the toilet seat. There wasn't any flooding, but an unpleasant odor would escape and it was worrisome: what if the whole thing unhinged itself? Would I be left with a gaping hole in the floor? Would I be left with a third world potty in my 1920's walk-up in modern Toronto? What are the positives of such a scenario? 1: no more cat box (but what if he fell in?). 2: my legs would become quite muscular from all those squats (but what if I fell in, or a guest, or oh, my god, what if I were hammered?). 3: I could start making home-make pot pourri...because I have time for that.

So, I called Luke the Superintendant. While on his knees in a pose reminiscent of worshipping the porcelain god he proceeded to wiggle the toilet seat. "This must be what you think is the problem," he said. "It's not the toilet but the toilet seat that's loose."

I lowered my voice and pointedly spoke slowly and evenly. "No, it's the whole toilet, Luke." (Hear: don't tell me I'm making this up. I sit on it all the time and the fucking thing isn't screwed in properly.)

He moved the toilet. "Oh, it's not screwed in right."

Two weeks later, I proudly sit on a shiny white loo that is more water efficient than the old one. I don't have to babysit my toilet after it has been flushed to ensure there is no run-on; I don't have to worry that if I stand up with authority that the whole apparatus will pull away from its moorings.

Peace of mind has been easy to achieve in this one department of my life.

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